it is selfishness
Habits are hard to break. Today I slept more, but I woke up at 6.30 again with a deep feeling of loss; I faced the empty wall and wondered if I will ever find care and company? However, if we don't change our routines, we will never discover a different world. Because I wake up earlier these days to go to the ULU pool, I see sweaty, rosy-cheeked ladies jogging around Russell Square, whilst listening to their iPods. When I'm back on track, I hope to continue the morning swims.
The departure was not unexpected.
Within two months of my arrival, I had already met that person. Before I cared to know the new faces around me, we desperately wanted to know each other. London was a different situation from home: school was tougher, I was quieter at social gatherings and I felt like an ousider at times. Moreover, I didn't have as much time for friends, because I was always concerned with my studies. Deep down I worried that I wasn't at the same level as that person: he did well at school, had a good job that made him confident, loved what he does, this was his city that included his family and friends. Of course my situation was not all bad--I enjoyed learning and discovering new things, and I like literature, just that the readings was more difficult here. And that person was one of the most encouraging people I've met, always gave me good suggestions. Perhaps it was my day-to-day frustrations that worsen the relationship, because how can one be happy with a relationship without being happy with oneself? But were these arguments of that big a matter?
That person has not changed. From the start, even before the start, that person has always aspired to a harmonious family relationship (extended to relatives), wealth and success. Deep down I was so afraid to lose him, because at the present stage, even though I wanted those things, I was unable to achieve those respectable goals yet. Perhaps he sensed that I was focusing too much on his ideal life. A passage in Ian McEwan's Saturday writes:
This is when they give us a glimpse of what we might be, of our best selves, and of an impossible world in which you give everything that you have to others, but lose nothing of yourself.
Or simply because I felt that he never could give me the feeling of a lasting bravery, trust and patience to believe in us. Marriage plans were brought up but never certain. The likely option of starting a life together, living in slightly economically difficult situations but being happy together were not taken into action. He was not ready to love me enough as I did to him. Timing and status were never issues; true love is to be brave to give, believe and compromise for something great. Knowing this, on my part I have no regrets.
PS. This entry is pathetic and self-gratifying. Tut, tut!