in the afternoon and in the wee hours of the morning
Light shining through the clouds in the afternoon
Sleepless in Ashford
K made a refreshing, alternative suggestion: stop analysing and try to perfect/cultivate the art of grieving elegantly. Because of my current state of mind I am only seeking answers to satisfy myself, to allow me to sleep better at night. Therefore, such an attempt to be objective is bound to be subjective. When I'm positive, I think on the bright side; when I'm down, I can only focus on negative feelings. Why not practice different styles of behaving sadly, savour its taste or try to act unlike the usual self (within rational boundaries)? The message is cryptic, but at that moment I sort of knew what he meant. He also mentioned that spending time with friends is a method to make one happy, but the ultimate challenge is dealing with the hours spent on your own. Everyone likes to appear their best in public, but who knows how they act in the dark.
K is one of the many architects I've met in the city. We talked about our research, and he explained to me how he implemented a quote from Whitman's Leaves of Grass (I digress: this was one of the presents Clinton gave to Ms Lewinsky--now here's another type of relationship gone mad, hehe) to his paper about Taiwanese beetlenut stalls--a strange connection, but it made sense. Here's the passage:
'Say on, sayers!
Delve! mould! pile the words of the earth!
Work on--(it is materials you must bring, not breaths;)
Work on, age after age! nothing is to be lost;
It may have to wait long, but it will certainly come in use;
When the materials are all prepared, the architects shall appear.
I swear to you the architects shall appear without fail! I announce them and lead them;
I swear to you they will understand you, and justify you;
I swear to you the greatest among them shall be he who best knows you, and encloses all, and is faithful to all;
I swear to you, he and the rest shall not forget you--they shall perceive that you are not an iota less than they;
I swear to you, you shall be glorified in them.'
Later on I told him my doubts about a PhD degree, and he replied with interesting stories about what he thought a doctorate meant--this made me happy about what I am striving to complete, and looking forward to prospects of the future.